The woman I was four years ago is very different from the woman I am today. Four years ago I had the juice. I had too much sauce, I was at every turn up, I was the original bad gyal, and I was too full of everything but God’s word. Boom–There it is, the honest truth.
In short, I was a serial dater/cheater. Due to unhealed trauma from an abusive relationship, I channeled the anger into dating. The unhealed trauma made me feel like something was wrong with me. There was a huge void in my life, a hole in my chest that I was not prepared to deal with and quite frankly did not want to deal with. I believed that in order to overcome the trauma, I had to gain my power back in whatever way possible. I could not let people know about the abuse I endured and I could no longer appear weak and quiet–I had to win. I was tired of losing.
I became a master of playing with men’s emotions. I dated multiple guys at a time and none of them knew about each other. I sent sweet nothing messages, went on dates, and accepted gifts. I would let them believe that I was interested but would be emotionally unavailable. I played the cat and mouse game with them until I grew tired and needed a new conquest. I did not see these guys as real humans with emotions, to me they were pawns in my plot to gain control, power and respect from those around me. In essence, I had taken on some of the character traits of my abuser to regain the power that he had stolen from me. I became the abuser and I didn’t even realize it.
Instead of processing my emotions and dealing with trauma in a healthy way, I skipped the process entirely. The pain I was dealing with was a bullet that penetrated my heart. Instead of allowing God to perform open heart surgery, I opted to put a piece of tape over the bullet hole in my chest. Instead of running to God, so He could remove the bullet, stitch me up and fill me with up with His goodness, I settled for a piece of tape to get the job done–not even a band-aid y’all. I was obsessed with being in control, foolishly believing that if everyone else thought that I had it together, then that meant that I was okay. I kept the bullet inside me, allowing it to sink further within me instead of allowing God to pluck it out and save my life.
How many times do we keep the bullet lodged within us instead of allowing God to pluck it out? Whatever this bullet represents for you, why do you find it comforting to carry it along with you rather than allow the ultimate doctor to end the torment? Why are you afraid to be free? Don’t find comfort in pain and destruction because it is familiar.
It was only by the grace of God that I hadn’t destroyed myself. I had a void in my life that was only big enough for God to fill. Not selfishness or meaningless relationships–only Jesus. I hid my heart thinking that it was too battered to ever love or be loved by anyone again. It turns out that my battered corrupted heart was all that God wanted from me. I hadn’t sinned too much for Him to love me, I still had a chance to be His. You still have a chance to be His as well. Say this prayer with me:
Thank you for still pursuing me even when I ran away from you. I repent of all my sins and am surrendering my heart to you. I want to make you my Lord and Savior, the ruler of my life. No longer will I submit to my own will, but now I submit to yours.
If you’ve said this prayer, I pray that you will soon find a bible based church, connect with other believers in your community and continue to grow in your relationship with Christ. God bless all of you!