“If I tell people about what happened to me they won’t believe me”
“If I say anything she’ll hurt me”
“I feel disgusting”
“Just pretend it never happened and you’ll get through it”
I said these things to myself over and over again. I let the memories of what happened tear me up inside out of fear of what would happen if I said anything. I believed that the incident was my fault and that I must have done something to deserve to be molested. I took all of the responsibility, the shame and the guilt and left nothing for my abuser to take responsibility for. And on top of that, by remaining silent, I let her win.
I focused on what I thought was wrong with me. I’m not a light sleeper. I used to be so angry with myself for sleeping so heavy, leaving me vulnerable to the sexual attacks. I believed that if I could just learn to sleep lighter or pray to be a light sleeper then the person would stop violating me. What I know now is that prevention has nothing to do with the victim. Being a light or a heavy sleeper was not the cause of my abuse. That’s not something that I can control. There was nothing that I could do to change the heart of someone who is set on defiling me. My abuser was the one at fault, not me. I was not the problem.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.
The spirit operating in your abuser came to destroy you. The enemy knew that if he could plant trauma in your life from an early age that it would be easier to get you to play right into his hand. The enemy has also planted doubt and fear of holding abusers accountable in the church. Because of this, many survivors cannot reach out for support. I believe that with prayer, education and taking action, we as believers can thwart this growing problem.
What you suffered in the past is not how your story ends. The enemy may have stolen your peace of mind but I declare in the name of Jesus that peace will be restored to you. I break the chains of bondage over your life. You will no longer walk in fear, you will walk in the confidence given to you by the Spirit of the living God. I speak fruitfulness over your life, that you would be healed from this experience and walk out the call of God for your life. You will live an abundant life, joyous in the One who saved your life.
If you are still dealing with the aftermath of molestation or sexual assault, read the following prayer that I have prayed over my readers.
Father in the name of Jesus I come before you on behalf of the afflicted. You see the hearts of all of your children reading this post. For the ones who are hurting because of this same issue, I ask that you would heal them. Release them from the bondage of this sexual sin committed against them. Renew their minds and their spirits Lord. Remove the stain of the trauma that has plagued their lives. I rebuke and cancel any spirit that the enemy is using to further torment your children. O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted. Incline your ear to do justice to the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more. Fill your children with the love and the security that they are seeking. Teach them how to communicate clear and pure boundaries in all relationships. Give them a spirit of courage to speak out and to be confident in whom you have created them to be.
God I am also asking that the hearts of every abuser be changed. I pray that you would bring them to repentance and that they would turn from wickedness. I pray that you give the church the wisdom to know how to hold abusers accountable for their actions. I ask that you would teach Christian leaders how to handle abusive situations and not create spaces for abuse to thrive. Despite what has happened, You are still good. You are still all powerful. You are still Jehovah Rapha.